


Mångata

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [6]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beach Sex, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Meaning of Life, Mångata, Questioning, Quotations, Road Trips, Slice of Life, Worry, keeping sane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 03:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2254098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Luke remembers asking the older boy: “So… where are <i>you</i> going, Ash?” and Luke remembers Ash mumbling something that sounded quite a lot like: “Wherever you’re going.”<br/>Luke remembers the slow smile that spread across his own pale face as he watched the older boy run off.'</p><p>
  <b>Luke is afraid that he's losing his mind and Ashton tries to distract him by taking him on a road trip.</b>
  <br/>
  <b>And maybe they're in love too. Maybe.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mångata

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wastinginks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastinginks/gifts).



> for Ams because she loves Ashton more than Luke does in this fic <3
> 
> I have no idea what I'm doing.  
> This fic is kind of weird as fuck so I'd like to apologise for that.  
> I had _no_ idea where I was going with it but it took me a really, really long time to write so hopefully it's not terrible...?  
>  I listened to "What I Like About You", "She Looks So Perfect", "Good Girls", "Kiss Me Kiss Me", "18" and "Everything I Didn't Say" and they really seemed to capture the mood I was sort of going for so you could maybe try listening to them if you wanted to :)  
> Um... enjoy... please?

**mångata**

_the word for the glimmering, road-like reflection that the moon creates on water_

 

Luke Hemmings had always enjoyed being read to, whether it was his mum or his dad reading him bedtime stories, or his brothers stumbling through their school books when they were younger, or his primary school teacher reading the class exciting stories about knights and princesses and dragons and animals that could talk.

Luke remembers how, as a kid, his favourite book had always been _Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland_. He remembers how he’d snuggle up under his blue striped duvet in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pyjamas with Squishy the Penguin clutched tightly under one arm (Luke refuses to allow anyone to judge him on the soft toy’s name on account of the fact that he was three when he named it), and he remembers the way Ben and Jack would clamber onto the bed to listen too, even though they would frequently inform Liz that they were too old to be read bedtime stories. (Luke remembers how that didn’t stop them from staying though).

Luke remembers how he’d _always_ loved Lewis Carroll’s _Alice_ books for pretty much his entire life so far, except for that _one_ year when he was about thirteen and had discovered South Park for the first time. (Then he spent most of his time giggling helplessly in his room with Calum Hood and Michael Clifford on the rare occasions that the oldest boy would stop sulking long enough, sneakily watching the programme on Luke’s dad Andrew’s old VCR on a tape that Ben had given to Luke in exchange for his brand new Pokemon game. (That still stung).)

Luke remembers this one particular quote he’d found of Lewis Carroll, and he can still remember – even now – excitedly typing out the quote in the _ugliest_ , most garish yellow writing on Word Art that he could find and printing it out with their ancient printer before he pinned it to the ceiling above his bed.

(Luke remembers how it fell down from the ceiling when he was about fourteen, the corners crumbled away and the pins still firmly jammed into the plaster above Luke’s head, and Luke remembers sellotaping the old piece of paper to the back cover of the lyric book he always carried around with him so that Luke would always have it close if he wanted to read it.)

 

_If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there._

**Lewis Carroll**

 

Luke remembers spending a whole lot of time thinking about that quote while they were touring, whether they were travelling on a _plane_ or on Gus the tour bus, or even if they had just stopped to refuel or buy a drink from a petrol station somewhere.

Luke remembers how Michael and Calum would smile indulgently and mutter about Luke being “ _away with the fairies again_ ”, and he remembers how Ashton Irwin’s gaze would always become a whole lot more intense when he realised that Luke was “ _still thinking about that damn road quote_ ”.

Luke remembers how, after they opened the last show of One Direction’s _Where We Are_ Tour, something changed between him and Ash.

Luke remembers how the pair had been on their own as they wandered back towards their dressing room – Calum and Michael had already ran on ahead and, if Luke listened carefully, he could still hear their laughter as they sprayed each other with their water bottles – and Luke let himself drift off into his own head again, his blond hair damp against his forehead from a combination of rain, the contents of Michael’s water bottle, and, more unpleasantly but not entirely unexpectedly, sweat.

Luke remembers how Ash had given his shoulder a gentle shake and murmured: “ _Lukey_?”

(Only Ash is allowed to call Luke that. When Mikey uses the nickname, he just sounds patronising and Calum only ever says it when he’s taking the piss out of Luke. So it’s just Ashton, and rightly so.)

Luke remembers how he always smiles softly when Ash calls him that, and he remembers how his stupid smile refused to vacate his face even when he was _facing_ the older boy.

Luke remembers how Ash had asked the younger boy to explain _why_ the quote meant so much to him, and Luke remembers not really being _able_ to, maybe not even knowing himself, except for the fact that there was something oddly liberating about diving in at the deep end and letting the current do with him what it would.

Because there were only two ways it could go – sink or swim, drown or live, drop or soar – and Luke had always found making decisions difficult so having it taken out of his hands like that was pretty damn liberating.

Luke remembers how Ash smiled a bit after hearing that, and he remembers asking the older boy: “So… where are _you_ going, Ash?” and Luke remembers Ash mumbling something that sounded quite a lot like: “ _Wherever you’re going_ ” but he had hurried off after Mikey and Cal before Luke could properly process that.

Luke remembers the slow smile that spread across his own pale face as he watched the older boy run off.

Luke remembers how that smile stayed firmly in place for the rest of the night.

*

Luke remembers how, at the end of the _Rock Out With Your Socks Out_ Tour – their _own_ tour and Luke _still_ can’t believe that their dreams are a reality! – the quote was still playing on his mind, only this time it was starting to bother him.

Luke remembers the late night speculations and the drunken ramblings. Luke remembers talking to his dad about the quote at the kitchen table for _hours_ one night when he got to come home for a few days (and silently commends his dad for even _having_ the conversation with him when it most likely made no sense at all; he must have just been _that_ grateful to have Luke back home) and he remembers coming to the angry conclusion that nobody had the answers to his questions.

Luke remembers feeling like something was missing and _not knowing what it was_ , _damnit_ , and he remembers panicking and getting really _stupidly_ pissed off because Lewis Carroll had died in _18-fucking-98_ and Luke was never going to fill the void in his heart that was ever-growing if he didn’t even know what it was, if he didn’t even know where the damn _road_ was that would supposedly lead him there in the end anyway.

Luke worried that he was starting to sound a bit crazy, like maybe he’d lost some of his marbles along the way. He could see it in his mind’s eye: a green one winding its way down a narrow, cobbled road in London, a blue one falling from the top of the Eiffel Tower faster than a speeding bullet, a yellow one rolling along and tumbling down a drain in New York somewhere.

Luke remembers how Calum started to look concerned as he made timid suggestions that maybe Luke needed to “ _take a break for a while, do some travelling or whatever_ ”. Luke remembers how Mikey’s words were harsher but still just as fair, remembers how the older boy told him to “ _get his fucking head out of the clouds before he gets lost up there_ ”.

Luke remembers how it was Ash who suggested that the two of them go on a road trip, in the end, and Luke remembers Calum and Michael’s quiet sighs of relief when Luke accepted without really understanding why.

Luke remembers how the worry wasn’t _always_ at the forefront of his mind anymore, not when he was sitting in the passenger seat of some crappy old tin can that Ash had found (most likely overturned in a ditch) _somewhere_ and they were blasting Green Day on the radio.

Luke remembers how the road stretched out ahead of them, all cracked grey tarmac and low, rolling hills and the baking sun of Los Angeles at midday in summer, and Luke remembers how it felt a bit like coming home.

He remembers how any last dregs of ‘ _I’m a normal guy, I promise_ ’ – and let's face it, there weren’t many left anyway – were sucked down the drain when it was just him and Ash. They could (and frequently did) talk about anything and everything, and it only made sense that their conversations would often drift back towards the quote that had led to them driving across America in the first place.

Luke remembers how Ash hesitantly asked him why Lewis Carroll’s words “ _bothered him so freaking much_ ”, and Luke remembers how heated his answer had been when he said: “The quote’s about not knowing where you’re going but ending up there anyway, right? Well… I… I can’t find the road. Am I on it? Am I a million miles away from it? Is it back in Australia? Would I have found it if we’d never started a band? I just _don’t_ know!”

Luke remembers how Ash gave a little snort and shook his head slowly, patting Luke on the knee with his free hand while he kept his other on the steering wheel.

“Not everything’s set in stone, Lukey,” Ash had promised, and Luke remembers how he had settled right down then. “Some things are going to happen no matter what, and there’s no point trying to… to _scrutinise_ everything in the meantime. I think you’ll know when whatever happens… well… _happens_ … I think you’ll know and you’ll see that all of this worrying was for nothing… And I think if you stop trying to work out what it was or… or where this damned metaphorical _road_ is or whatever… Well, I think you’ll be a whole lot happier.”

Luke remembers gaping wordlessly at that for several long minutes before quickly mumbling: “Stephen Hawking once said that even people who believe in things being predestined still look before they cross the road”, even though his heart wasn’t really in it.

Luke remembers how Ash snorted with laughter and said: “Even people with _destinies_ don’t want to get knocked down by a bus, Lukey. Then they’d have to follow their metaphorical road with a broken leg, and that’s going to take a _whole_ lot longer.”

Luke remembers smiling stupidly and feeling lighter than he had done in _years_ , and he remembers Ash’s smug little smirk as he carried on driving, taking the tiny car further and further away from civilisation as they followed a long, winding road without a clear destination in mind. Luke remembers thinking how cute the smile was and then being startled because, _shit_ , did he _really_ think that? (Spoiler alert: Yes, he really, _really_ did.)

Luke remembers sitting back in the passenger seat and thinking about his words from what felt like a long, _long_ time ago: ‘ _sink or swim, drown or live, drop or soar_ ’, and Luke isn’t soaring by a _long_ shot but he’s also not sinking or dropping or _drowning_ – not anymore – and he feels a damn sight more buoyant than he’s done for a long fucking time with Ash in the car beside him.

So yeah, he’s not soaring but he’s swimming with all of his strength and Ash is encouraging him as he swims beside him, his hand warm on Luke’s knee, and Luke thinks that maybe just stumbling through life with his feet on the _ground_ instead of his head in the clouds is probably a whole lot more healthier than he’d ever been before, more rewarding too, most likely.

Luke remembers thinking that things might be better this way.

*

Luke remembers how _easy_ day-to-day life with Ashton was.

He remembers how they ate when they felt like it, wore whatever they wanted, slept when they were tired, cuddled _all_ the time (because cuddles were great so why the fuck not?), and dropped all pretences. Luke remembers how he didn’t – _still_ doesn’t – have to pretend to be something he wasn’t, not when he was with Ash.

He remembers how they were just Luke and Ashton, not Luke Hemmings and Ashton Irwin, famous worldwide as members of the band 5 Seconds of Summer (whose remaining two members were currently spending a well-deserved month off travelling around Europe and trying all of the different alcoholic beverages on offer, if their Instagram and Snapchat accounts were anything to go by).

Luke remembers how Ash was _so_ good at distracting him while they were on their road trip.

Luke remembers how, whenever he started to get too caught up in his thoughts again, Ash would appear beside him with a quiet word or a lingering touch to calm Luke’s frayed nerves as he _thought_ too much again.

Luke remembers when that stopped being enough, when Ash had to hug him _really_ tight to keep him from falling apart.

Luke remembers another, separate occasion where numerous bottles of beer had been consumed and Luke had started to _think_ again and – instead of telling Luke to shut up like Michael might have or making an ill-advised attempt to distract Luke with music or food like Calum had attempted to do a couple of times – Ash had simply pushed Luke back onto the bed, flopped down on top of him and declared that he was going to “ _cuddle the worries away_ ”.

Luke remembers how it didn’t exactly work out like that.

(He remembers how he and Ash stared at each other in silence for a long time, and then Ash had licked his lips and Luke’s eyes had tracked the movement and then – without knowing who had moved first – their lips were suddenly crashing together and, sure, it was messy and there was probably a bit too many _teeth_ and they both tasted of beer, but Luke was pretty sure he wouldn’t have had it any other way.)

Life wasn’t a _fairy-tale_ after all – it wasn’t like Wonderland at all, and Luke remembers thinking that maybe he should be grateful for that – and first kisses weren’t like in the movies. Luke remembers how they kissed for so long that he actually felt dizzy, and he remembers how Ash’s pupils were blown _huge_ when he eventually drew back to draw in a shaky breath, but Luke also remembers how Ash kissed him on the nose once more and then slumped down beside him so that they could both go to sleep, keen not to rush _either_ of them into doing something they maybe weren’t comfortable with then.

(Luke remembers maybe starting to fall in love with Ashton Irwin then.)

He remembers worrying when he woke up the next morning, only to relax enormously when Ash blinked his eyes open, kissed Luke softly and then spat out: “ _Oh god, morning breath, hangover, sorry_ ” between his teeth before he ran for the bathroom. (Luke remembers laughing fondly even as he wrinkled his nose up because _some_ things would never change, but maybe that was good too).

Luke remembers how the rest of their month-long road trip went _far_ too quickly for his liking, remembers how unfair it felt that the sun was still shining in the sky and there was still laughter in the air even though he and Ash were leaving. (Luke remembers marvelling at the fact that he hadn’t thought about the damned quote for _weeks_ – ‘ _ever since you and Ash first kissed_ ,’ a little voice in Luke’s head murmured, and Luke knew it was the truth.)

He remembers how, on their last night, Ash drove them to the beach.

Luke remembers how it was a clear night, the skies utterly cloudless as the stars twinkled down on the world, and Luke remembers how the full moon created a glimmering, almost _road-like_ reflection on the water as the waves rushed in, only to drag the pebbles and the shells scattering the sand back out into the mysterious, velvety-blackness of the ocean, never to be found again.

Luke remembers wondering vaguely if that was where _he_ was headed before he met Ashton, and Luke remembers Ash’s surprisingly solemn expression when Luke told him this, and the way the older boy leant forwards and gently pressed his lips to Luke’s in a kiss that could _only_ be described as a promise.

Luke remembers gasping out a desperate: “ _Fuck, I love you_ ”, only to freeze when the utter _enormity_ of what he had just said settled over him. (Luke remembers relaxing several seconds later when Ash returned his words and slipped his tongue into his mouth, and Luke remembers how all of his worries drained away and drifted out with the tide as Ash saved him from himself – _once again_ – that night.)

Luke is _certain_ he will never forget that night, that he’ll always remember how, even though they both got sand in places where sand should _never_ be, he also wouldn’t have had it any other way because, like before, life _wasn’t_ a story.

There wasn’t _fate_ or _soulmates_ or even _destiny_ (“ _Although people still get hit by buses, unfortunately_ ,” Ash had interjected with a straight face that had quickly given way to mildly hysterical laughter as Luke cackled).

There was only _now_ and Luke was pretty damn determined that he wasn’t going to spend it staring up at the skies and wondering ‘ _What if_?’ instead of cherishing ever fucking _second_ he had with the _beautiful_ boy languishing in the sand beside him and gazing up at the stars.

“I think I finally know where that road was taking me,” Luke had whispered and he remembers how Ash’s eyes had filled with tears for a moment before they suddenly _gleamed_ , and Luke was smiling before Ash had even _spoken_ because he had a feeling Ash wasn’t going to disappoint.

“That damn _road_ was messing with your head even more than the _Rainbow Road_ on Mario Kart,” Ash said and Luke was still giggling stupidly when he added: “And I’m really glad you’ve found your way too, Lukey. Would’ve _sucked_ if I’d finally arrived here and you’d carried on walking right past me.”

Luke remembers how his own eyes filled with tears as he shuffled forwards to press his lips to Ashton’s, and Luke remembers how he whispered back: “I’m gonna keep walking, for sure, but I can only walk these days when you’re holding my hand.” (As if to prove a point, Ash gripped Luke's smaller hand gently in both of his own.) “Without you with me, I think I’d sink, Ash. Sink or float off up into the clouds, and I don’t think I could get down on my own.”

Luke remembers how he thought for a moment before he finished speaking in a soft voice: “You’re my rock, Ash. My anchor. You keep me sane.”

Ash lay back down on their blanket and Luke cuddled up close with his arms wrapped firmly around the older boy’s waist, and their phones vibrated as Michael sent them a stupid selfie of him and Calum with beer foam moustaches, and the smile on Luke’s face didn’t feel like it was going to splinter and crack any time soon. It didn’t feel fake or painful. It didn’t even feel _forced_.

For the first time in a _long_ time, Luke’s feet were firmly on the ground and there was no ending in sight.

There was just a long, _long_ road with no end destination because Luke had already _found_ his, and he and Ash could walk that road with all the time they needed, and nobody would rush them.

Everything was right with the world.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope that wasn't terrible...  
> Thank you so much for reading! (If anyone read that far... I actually doubt it but... yeah... thanks if you did...)  
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought!  
> Were Malum a thing? Do you have any requests for future oneshots?  
> Thank you! :) <3


End file.
